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Monday, November 9, 2009
Sunday, November 8, 2009
My life... Why are these posts always about how I feel my life is full of failure? Oh, that's right, because as of late it is. It always is. There's something about the choices that I make that put me directly into the line of fire. I try to take the hits for those around me, until I'm so full of holes I can't protect anyone anymore. So scarred that there is no more softness to my being, I'm toughened, rougher around the edges, with a now-hollow core.
I am succeeding in epic proportions at my job, standing out among the rest as a natural leader, a perfectionist, a teacher. I have only been there since the end of September, and while it was rough-going for a while, it was because people were trying to keep me from being me. Those people are no longer with the company, and I've been allowed, nay encouraged, to spread my wings.
In fact, I've already been told, in no uncertain terms that I am being considered and watched as potential management material.
Take that, and compare it to the other side of my life. My actual existence. I am broke, so solidly in debt BEYOND the bankruptcy that I can't really even afford to eat. I am eating, I'm trying to prioritise my life accordingly, but I don't know who to pay first. I owe my lawyer another $900 to make $150k worth of debt go away, I owe my ex probably close to $1000 right now for living expenses, I owe Chris another $200 from a loan he gave me unexpectedly, and my mother another $180 from a loan SHE gave me. Now, technically, my mother owes me a fair chunk, but she's so screwed right now because her room mate isn't paying his debts to HER on time that I can't really call her out on that.
Oh, and did I mention that my muffler was just replaced about a month ago, and now my entire exhaust line needs to be replaced? It was dragging the other day, cracked RIGHT at the catalytic converter so... that's almost a grand. I finally start to get back on my feet, thinking I can pay people back the money I owe them. I know it'll take a few months at best, but I can start!! Then, my car dies. I need my car, if I don't have my car, I don't get to work, I don't make any $ and I pay no one back...
I recently got a piercing that I've always wanted as a way to distract me from Chris leaving. A way to turn emotional pain that is unbearable into a bearable physical pain. Good idea, something I've done before... but I think it's infected. Mildly, but infected none the less. I'm trying like hell to take care of it, but I don't know what else to do. My health is all fucked up... I now know what it feels like to have a hangover, something I'd never in my life experienced and in fact thought that it wasn't possible. I also am coming down with a cold, with no sick time available at work until the new year. Not to mention the back issues starting up again, and the utterly screwed sleep schedule. Oh yes, and the knees... they're acting up something fierce.
Half of me wants to turn into an alcoholic. Well, not half, but the thought is there. It's sick but I start thinking that at least then I'd have a real, understandable reason why my life is such a complete failure right now. People get divorced every day, they lose jobs and make drastic life changes. But why does it feel like only *I* have to deal with this kind of epic failure? I was supposed to be successful, I was supposed to be in control of my own life, my own choices. I am the quintessential Capricorn, ffs. And yet, my ability to move forward in my life rests solely in the hands of a Virgo, half-way across the world. My ability to move up in my JOB is in the hands of those above me. I can do my best, but it's still ultimately up to them. My ability to move OUT and into my own place... well, there is no ability to do that. I can't afford it. I shouldn't bother trying. I'll never have the funds for that. I mean, where else am I going to get a full house with utilities for $500? No where, that's where.
Ryan is an amazing man. I've come to really realise that over the last few months. We are perfectly imperfect together, it wouldn't and didn't work for good reason. But he is still a great friend. We've had our moments, sure, but when the shit hits the fan he's still one of the first people I turn to for help... and he's almost always there. I can't say always, but then again, that's not his job anymore.
I guess... I'm just done here. I can't make things better, only worse and worse that I can tell. It's really time for me to move on to the next stage in my life. Go to where the people want me, need me, care about me. Those people that ask at least weekly when I'll be a permanent fixture in their lives, those people who haven't even MET me that are prone to asking those same questions... I miss those people. I love them all in my own way. And I miss them all. I need those people, those positive influences and those ways that they have that make me not hate myself so thoroughly. That's what it comes down to, isn't it? I hate myself. I hate what I've become. So needy, so violent, so volatile, so... broken.
I am not THAT person when I am there. I am comfortable, happy in my own skin. I know that is where I need to be, but I can't get there. That future is based on the desires of one individual... and those desires aren't where mine are yet. It ... blows when they don't match up... but I'd rather wait until HE is sure than force the issue. Once again, taking the hits to shelter someone else. You'd think I'd learn. You'd think I'd start to stand up for myself. But, I just don't. I stand up for the rights and beliefs of others until my beliefs and rights have been well and truly fucked. It's like some sort of martyr complex... but I don't know what it is I'm trying to convey. I'm not acting like the divine is talking through me or using me as a vessel. I'm just a girl, in the world, and that's all that you'll let me be.........
Right now I'm sitting in a kind-of-scary-but-will-suffice-for-one-night hotel room near Rochester, while L and O are out walking off some of L's excess energy before bedtime routine begins. The visit has been a whirlwind of family and friends, and I have loved every second of it. We fly back tomorrow afternoon, and we're planning to spend the morning at the museum before we head to the airport.
We spent the first part of the visit in Ithaca (after driving down from Rochester the morning after we flew in). Wednesday was spent with my mom, Thursday with Gramma, Sissy & Ken (and mom), and then Friday morning we went to Museum of the Earth so Liam could look at and play with the dinosaurs there. After some computer repair work, we drove back to Rochester, where I met up with a couple of RWCC friends and O put L to bed at our friends' house, where we were staying for the weekend. Yesterday was spent in Victor with my Bethy & her family, and then John & his new girlfriend, and her newborn baby. Then today we spent a little more time with the Houstons (with whom we were staying), and L got to play with Claire all morning and part of the afternoon. A quick stop at our storage unit, another one at Wegmans, and that brings us to now.
This has been so wonderful, and (so far at least) not as bittersweet as I had been expecting. I may feel differently when we get to the airport tomorrow and/or when we get back to FL, but even if I do, it was worth it. I needed this taste of autumn, this time with my loved ones, and this break from the day-to-day routine. Yes, it was expensive, at a time when we need to be frugal... but it's only going to get more expensive from here. This was the last week we could do it without being in the holiday season, and after mid-December, we'd have been paying for 3 tickets instead of 2.
In a couple of days, it will be back to the grind of sending out resumes, etc. Hopefully the cold (no fever or anything, just a cough and runny nose) L has picked up along the way will wait until after our travels to catch up with O & I. I'm sort of hoping that this will work like solving a puzzle or writing a difficult paper - that taking a break from the job-hunt, etc., will have been just what we needed in order to achieve the desired result.
Current mood:  refreshed Current music: L's bathtime sounds
Hello, I would just like to introduce myself, since I have just joined the group. I travel to Rochester often because that is where my oso lives, and my two ladies and I join in with the local meet-ups of a poly forum. For those interested in joining in the discussion and maybe coming to a get-together there is a forum called The Birdcage, providing an alternative to the Yahoo Groups that seem to dominate. If anyone would like more info, please let me know.
to say that helen was a good dog is an understatement. helen was never bad a day in her life. i cannot remember a single instance of anybody ever saying 'bad girl, bad helen' to her. she was never in trouble, never yelled at, never misbehaved. she was sweet and friendly and always just READY to be friends. i never knew anybody more willing to be friends than helen. she had the kindest and warmest little heart and she had a way of knowing who needed love the most.
we got helen when i was fiteen. she was nine months old and the couple who owned her just had a baby. taking care of helen and the baby was too much (idiots) so they put the word out in my moms school that they had a purebred, registered irish yorkie, free to a good home. my mom brought up the idea over dinner and my my eyes went wide. my mom said okay but if we keep her she is YOUR DOG. we went to go get her and sat on their living room floor. okay i am going to let her out, the husband said. he opened the kitchen door and out ran this little snuffling mop. she ran right to me and crawled into my lap and licked my chin. i remember i wrapped my arms around her and squeezed her and INSTANTLY started to cry and i said mom i am not leaving this house without this dog.
and that was that. she was my best friend. MY BEST FRIEND. sometimes she was my only friend. helen slept in my bed and was snuck into rehab under a rolled up blanket in a canvas tote. helen rode on my lap cross country when i moved to texas and helen was there for me through The Worst Of Times. There had been dogs in my family my entire life- i literally did not have a single day without one- but helen was truly special. she was my first love. she was the first dog that was ever with ME all the time. our other family dogs were always my mothers and they loved us but there is just nothing like when a dog chooses you for its human. i was helens human and she was my girl and we took care of one another.
helen was a healthy girl but she had problems. she didnt have any teeth for maybe the last five years or so and i know her gums bothered her. in the last year her hearing was really going and she could not see at night. my mom says that yesterday she was calling her and calling her to come downstairs for a snack (crackers soaking in a bowl of chicken broth, her favorite, second only to lemon italian ice). helen wasnt coming so my mom figured well shes almost deaf she just cant hear me, so my mom went upstairs to go get her out of her little pink doggy bed. my mom says when she walked into the room helen was laying in the bed whimpering and trying to get up but she just coudnt. my mom and dad immediately took her to the emergency room and the vet said oh i am so sorry, she is just an old darling and she is dying. so my parents held her and held her and held her and helped helen go to sleep. i feel so terrible for lady bird. my mom says she has been just beside herself since they got home with helen yesterday. poor poor birdie. they were sisters, they were little buddies. and now helen is gone.
i cant believe the next time im going to visit my parents helen wont be there. she wont be there, racing up and down the hall with her manny in her mouth, just shivering from nose to tail with pure joy, peeing on the floor and barfing on the stairs. i cant believe shes gone and not with us any more. she was just so kind and so sweet and i know i have said that already but that is just truly the kind of little girl she was. she really was my friend. i know she is happy now and i know she had a good life (an amazing life, the best life a dog could have, loved and adored by everyone) and i know she probably feels great now and can see and hear and i bet she has all her teeth and i bet she is already eating crunchy things, just passing the time and not worrying about a thing. what me worry, helen always seemed to be saying. what me worry, nothing to worry about. ill just sit here in this sunshine and wait for my friend, surely shes coming to get me soon, surely shes going to pick me up and hold me and we'll be together again.
Current mood:  absolutely heartbroken
So, I don't always hit LJ every day.
Friday, I was thankful for my local bookstore, and the fact that they will order in anything I need, and are locally owned and operated. Yes, it is handy to wander into a giant chain store and find just what you want on the shelf, but I like local businesses more.
Saturday, I was extremely thankful for Skype. Skype lets me call my Panther over the internet, and talk with him for six hours. And once he gets a web-cam, I will be able to see him. Playing D&D and just chatting is just wonderful.
Today is not over yet, but I think I shall be thankful for back roads. I'll be driving to another town for a con meeting, and taking the back roads the whole way. There is something every nice about driving along the back roads for an hour, past lakes and hills and little towns.
Current mood:  awake
Saturday, November 7, 2009
This one is hard.
I'm thankful for my grandmother.
She passed away several years ago, but I still feel her presence. She often shows up in my dreams, usually when I'm doing something I shouldn't (which is a weird sort of conscience to have, but I like it).
More than dreams, though, my grandmother left her mark writ large in my mind, and in my life. She paid for me to go to college - that's the big one, financially, but not the biggest thing emotionally.
My grandmother was, her whole life, a strong, capable, pragmatic, and compassionate woman, the matriarch of our family and its guiding light. I have endeavored to be like her. I will always endeavor to be like her.
I am immensely grateful that I had her for a grandmother.
Current mood:  thankful
Friday, November 6, 2009
I haven't come up with something for the community to do for Thanksgiving. But I will tell you folks this... in this giveaway, 1 lucky person will get 1 million coins.
If you have suggestions as to what the activity should be, feel free to comment here.
For Christmas, I will do the same in giving out coins probably give out 5 million coins as well as pick 5 people to receive a donation to get "Second-sight" plus one additional power.
So.... yeah, your feedback is welcomed and appreciated.
Have a nice weekend.
~Devil Miyu
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Friday, November 6, 2009
i am currently having a sweaty pit fit because, as previously mentioned, i am organizing my craft box. i know that i posses two miniature sewing kits. i wanted to put them in my craft box. one sewing kit has very nice mini scissors. this is the kit i cannot find. i was foaming at the mouth and tearing things apart and ripping the kitchen junk drawer of its tracts and emptying it out onto the floor and throwing out users guides to cuisinart appliances. I CANNOT FIND MY OTHER MINI SEWING KIT. i know that i moved it RECENTLY, i can see myself holding it in my hand and stashing it somewhere. I ALWAYS DO THIS. i stash and forget. i am literally just like a squirrel. i am just like one. constantly losing my NUTS.
anyway the POINT is that after a good fifteen minutes of sweating and shuffling and slamming i screamed at the top of my lungs I AM GOING CRAZY. steve said calmly, whats wrong now. I AM LOOKING FOR SOMETHING I DONT EVEN WANT. and its true. i dont even want it. i mean i do like those mini scissors but i am quite certain i will be able to get by until the kit eventually turns up, as my misplaced nuts ALWAYS do (even if its years later in an empty match box). i continued to pant heavily as i draped myself on the couch and moaned about missing items. it doesnt matter, said steve. and hes right, it doesnt, ONLY IT DOES. i HATE not knowing where things are WHEN I WANT TO KNOW WHERE THEY ARE.
anyway because my husband CLEARLY does not understand this feeling (you need medication was the last thing he had to say on the subject, something to take you from a ten to a five), i threw my arms around the noos neck and wailed OH NIPPY, HELP MOMMA. he immediately mashed his little forehead against mine and licked my chin.
if theres one thing the noo understands, it is maniacal out of control passion and urgency.
Current mood:  ants in the pants Current music: grinding teeth
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